At a gay bar Nail Salon
Hilarious!
The spoof political satire of ONN (Onion News Network) always sets me to giggling. This is one of the better one this month.
Governmentium (Gv) -- A new element in the Periodic Table of Elements
Evolution has produced an element that has become clearly identifiable in the past decade or two.
Recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but, instead, undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
It's easy to see why this YouTube clip has 25 million views, 3200 subscribers.
This is really hilarious, so first you might want to put down any drinks you don't want to blow on your screen or keyboard.
My thanks to all my friends who have sent me emails this past year........
Especially the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died with no relatives. Once I give her my bank details.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward your e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my ass.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a murderer waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's window cleaner.
By the way.... a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with a low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails and Blogs with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
This amusing article was posted on one of my forum haunts.
However a puppy spotted the Mr Veasna's appendage as it poked through and apparently thinking it was a toy latched on, newspaper Rasmei Kampuchea reported.
What an embarrassing story to have to tell the medical people. One would think that guys would be more careful where they stick their member.
Black Velvet- 80 proof Canadian Whiskey: $11.
AH Hirsch 21 year old 93 proof Rye Whiskey: $156.
Jack Daniel's 100 year old whiskey seized in raid: Priceless.
Officials seized 2,400 bottles late last month during warehouse raids in Nashville and Lynchburg, the southern Tennessee town where the whiskey is distilled.
"Punish the person, not the whiskey," protested Kyle MacDonald, 28, a Jack Daniel's drinker from British Columbia.
"Jack never did anything wrong, and the whiskey itself is innocent."
[...snip...]
The estimated value of the liquor is $1 million, possibly driven up by the value of the antique bottles, which range from to half-pints to 3-liter bottles.
One seized bottle dates to 1914, its seal unbroken.
Elks said it is worth $10,000 to collectors. Investigators are looking into whether the liquor was being sold for the value of the bottles rather than the whiskey.
I'm a brandy drinker myself, but have to agree with Kyle MacDonald. Wow! what a waste if they dump it. Two wrongs don't serve justice.
